


So I Lay, Next To Your Grave

by AceVonS



Series: Mr. President [3]
Category: Designated Survivor (TV), NCIS
Genre: Alex Kirkman is dead, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canonical Character Death, Crossover, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, M/M, Not Beta Read, Past Character Death, Pre-Relationship, Pre-Slash, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-03-17
Packaged: 2019-11-22 21:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18142445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceVonS/pseuds/AceVonS
Summary: Tom is stressed, scared and confused, so he visits his wife to find clarity.





	So I Lay, Next To Your Grave

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this little piece.

"Go catch your bus little pea." Tom wanted to bend down and kiss her cheek, but he settled for a soft touch. "I love you, have a good day, learn new stuff." 

"Bye daddy. Love you." Penny smiled at him and ran to to the yellow monstrosity that was the school bus. She had taken to saying "I love you" every time she went somewhere. It had been that way for a year now. Ever since one of his worst nightmares had come true.

Before they had driven the kids to school themselves, but things had changed quite a bit since... he couldn't bring himself to say it not even to himself. Not today. He couldn't even think it without feeling a crushing weight settle on his chest making it hard to breathe. Things had been easier lately. Time had done it's job, but sometimes, like today, the pain was just as fresh and raw as it had been then.  
It had been a year since that day. The date had been burned to his brain, he would always remember it. There had been many days that he had wanted nothing more than to forget. 

That day he'd been in meetings since early morning and knew that they would last through the day. Alex had been the one to drive the kids to school that morning before going to work herself. Sometimes it had been hard to figure out who would take the kids, but they had always managed.

He'd kissed her in the morning, trying to get some more amorous action in. He was a man after all and his wife was the most beautiful woman he knew. The most beautiful person. Before her, he hadn't been that picky with his partners. Men or women, it hadn't mattered. Then he had met Alex and there had been no one else for him since. He loved her so much. 

His plans for quality time with his wife had been thwarted by his daughter. He found that irritating, no matter how brilliant his daughter was, how much he loved her. All he had wanted was to ignore the little pea and dive between his wife's legs.

But the little pea had won, she'd wanted breakfast and in the end, he had given up. He'd gotten up and tried to make some pancakes. It hadn't worked out, so he made scrambled eggs. He could make those without burning the house down.

His cooking skills were a joke in his family, he didn't mind. He knew that his talents lay elsewhere. Alex saved that breakfast by taking over. He had gotten dressed, kissed his wife and kids goodbye, even though Leo pretended to be too old for such things.

He'd met with Emily, his personal assistant and then been hard at work all day. He had just finished a cabinet meeting in the White House when his phone rang. He had answered hoping it would Alex or his kids. It wasn't.

The phone call had been from Mike Ritter, a secret service agent. Mike was the agent who had been protecting him and his family ever since there'd been a threat on his life. Well he wasn't alone, but he was in charge of the other agents on their detail. The bastard hadn't been caught yet. There had been precious little clue about who was targeting them.

The President had decreed that he needed protection. There was some talk that it him and not his family that was the target. Which was odd, because usually the best way to get to the target, was through their family. That made them think someone had a personal grudge against him. And him alone. Why? He had no idea. He was after all as straight of a shooter one could find in Washington. Tom had just been glad that his family was relatively safe, nothing else mattered to him. Their safety was everything which is why he hadn't made a fuss about the secret service. Having an agent following you around was weird at first, but they had all gotten used to it. And they all had grown quite fond on the friendly giant who was in charge.

Tom couldn't quite remember how the phone call had gone. He must have heard Mike telling him everything he knew, but all he had heard was, that Alex was gone. The next thing he remembered, is that he's kneeling on the floor screaming, causing a scene. He knew he had nothing to be embarrassed about, but he still felt it. 

Later he heard that he'd answered the call. He'd listened in silence and then his phone had slid from his fingers and dropped it. It bounced of the floor, but hadn't broken. His legs had given out under him and he had fallen to his knees. The closest secret service agent had rushed in to help him. The others had made certain that the President was safe.

He had very little memories of the rest of the day, it had been a blur. He remembered being in the Oval office at one point. He had stared at the President without understanding what was going on. Without really seeing the other man. The President had been saying something, but he had heard nothing but the rushing in his ears.

He remembered that an agent had driven him home. He remembered them staying there guarding his home for the rest of the night. They had never left, they were still there. The threat had not gone away, he received threatening letters once or twice a month. He found out a couple months after that their guards had been doubled. He found out that it was because the President thought that his family was now a target as well. 

It had started to stress him out more and more as time went by. It felt like he couldn't even mourn in peace. He was a shadow of the man he had been a year ago and yet there was the cute man in the coffee shop who had flirted with him. Given him his card as well. Tom didn't know what had made him promise to call, but he was afraid. Afraid that he wasn't ready to meet with other people yet, afraid that he would somehow screw the other man up. He didn't know what to do.

When Alex had died, he'd been in shock. He hadn't known what to do, or how to tell his kids that their mother was gone. Somehow he had found the words. He had told his children the truth as gently as he could.

Leo had been shocked to silence and Penny had been inconsolable. He didn't know which had been worse, the silent grief of his son or the screaming of his daughter. She had sounded like a wounded animal. He didn't know it, but it was the same sound he had made when he had first learned about the fate of his wife. 

Alex’s death had been ruled an accident. The truck driver had been drunk, so Tom blamed him. The idiot had known he was drunk before getting behind the wheel and he'd done it anyway. Tom thought it was a vehicular homicide, not an accident. He didn't feel an ounce of sympathy for the man.

On the other hand, Tom didn't give a flying fuck about the term used to describe it. Not, when it was the reason, he had to live without his wife for the rest of his life. And even now, a year later to the day, he had no idea how he would manage that.

365 days in a year. At first, he had cried every day, then taking care of the kids had helped to distract him. As time went on, he still had cried on most days, but there had been some good days hidden there somewhere. One by one the good days were more frequent than the bad ones. And ever since Christmas it had been easier to breathe, somehow. He didn't quite know what had happened or what had caused it. He had had a dream about his wife that night and in the morning he'd woken up smiling.

But when the bad days come, they are terrible. And last night had been one of the terrible ones. Terrifying. He'd dreamt about Alex again, he'd watched her die over and over again.   
So he did what he usually did when he was terrified and confused. After he had seen Penny to the bus, he left the house to visit Alex's grave. Sometimes the kids were with him and sometimes he went alone. It helped to clear his head a bit. 

Glad that the rush hour was over, it didn't take him long to get to the graveyard. He let his feet take him to her grave, they knew the the way without him having to think about it.  
He threw the old flowers away and put the fresh ones he brought with him there instead. 

“I miss you so much my love.” Tom whispered. He stood there in silence for a long time after the initial greeting. He remembered her the way she had been when they had first met. The way she had defended him against his parents who did like their daughter dating a poor academic. His relationship with his mother in law had not gotten any better after he had gotten the HUD job. He guessed it wouldn't have mattered if he had been the secretary of the state. Or the damn President. She didn't like him, at all. His father in law had passed away some years ago, so his opinion didn't matter anymore. He hadn't liked Alex's choice either, but he hadn't despised it like his wife had. Tom was glad that Alex had liked him and loved him enough to defy her parents.

“You know Alex, yesterday I met an intriguing man.” He smiled at the memory. He had been his usual awkward self and the man had been a charmer. He was sure that the man, with his smirk, had dropped a fair few pairs of underwear from all the genders.

“He is… I don't know. I can't get him out of my head. Is that good? Or bad? With all the things going on it feels like I haven't mourned you properly. But what is proper in these situations anyway?" Tom paused and sighed. 

"I am actually gathering courage to call him. I want to ask him out, but I don't know if I should. I am a mess and it has only been a year since you were taken from me, from us... and it's such a short time. Is it too soon?” He remembered the Christmas that had just gone by and it had been… not all miserable, but they had all cried a lot. It had been healing.

"Alex, what do I do? I am so scared."

Tom closed his eyes, trying to keep his tears from falling. He had cried more than his fair share. He turned his head towards the sky as focused on breathing. The winter sun did little in the way of warmth, but he liked the light anyway.

He could feel a hand in his. It felt just like hers had felt. The hand squeezed his hand and then when he turned to look, it was gone. He could smell her perfume in the air and he smiled. It felt like he had her blessing.

Tom fished his phone out of his pocket on his way back to the car. He was apprehensive when he dialed the number he had memorized in a day.

If only he knew how big of a blessing his wife had given him.


End file.
